Sisters?

I was waiting for the bus to day and I saw two sisters. The older one was maybe 10 and the younger one around 7. The older sister was hugging the younger one and said “I love you”. It got me thinking. I’ve been raised as a single child. I don’t know what it’s like to have siblings. My twin on the other hand has 3 other siblings. One older and two younger. Will I ever be able to say those words to my twin?

22 years old and we are complete strangers. I would love a relationship with my twin, but i’m not sure what kind of relationship. Do I want a relationship because we are twins and I want to fit into that category? Will we be mere acquaintances or best friends? There are so many questions and no answers. I’m so used to being alone, I’m not sure if I want to let her in. I guess i’m afraid of being used. I know she feels that she hasn’t had the best life in Korea. I feel the same way about my life in America. I feel that if we had been able to stay together then things might have been better for us. She feels that our parents never loved her and I have a mother who doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and gets easily frustrated when I try and talk to her…so I don’t talk to her. I don’t really talk to anyone. If I had stayed in Korea, yes my life would have sucked but at least I’d be with my twin.

How odd that I have this longing to be in a “twin relationship”. I don’t have a longing to have a sister or siblings, just to be a twin.  I don’t even think or even refer to my twin as my sister, she’s my twin. In some ways my frame of thinking has to be warped.

My Story

Hello reader,

Thanks for stopping by. My name is Lauren and I am an adopted Korean American. I decided to start a blog as a way to help express my emotions without worry of backlash from family. Not that I expect any, it’s just that they don’t understand. At least my immediate family that is.

You might be wondering if there is some meaning behind my site title and there is. I was born a twin and was separated from my sister after 15 days or so after birth. The story is that we were supposed to be sent to the orphanage together, but she did not meet the medical requirements for overseas adoption. I am unclear as to why she still remained with the family and was not given up for internal adoption. I don’t know if I’ll ever find out that answer. The lost and found part of my title is the dream of many adopted children. I “lost” my family but then I “found” them.

Unfortunately, with ‘finding’ my family comes many questions and confusion. This blog is ment to help me clear my mind of all these questions and confusion. I’m the kind of person to keep everything inside. I’m not fake, but it is like a mask. On the outside i’m happy and how people expect me to be, but on the inside it’s all…well not sunny and happy.

I’ve been told that it is rare to separate twins. It’s not recommended. I suppose it would be better to separate twins before they have a chance to bond outside the womb, but who knows. I’ve also talked to other twins who tell me that they can’t imagine not growing up and having a relationship with their twin. I twins who were not separated. I envy their relationship. I want a relationship like that. Somehow I can’t help but think that I will never have the relationship of my dreams.

I have a rocky relationship with my twin. It’s difficult due to language barrier. It’s sad, but I can’t help but wonder the reasoning behind our communication. Let me clarify that. I have good intentions with trying to have a relationship with my twin. I want to get to know her. I want to know how similar and different we are. I have no desire to move to Korea and live with her. I just want a relationship. I can’t help but wonder if she will be the person I can completely rely on. At the same time I wonder if she talks to me b/c we are twins and she feels the same way. Perhaps she talks to me because she feels like she has to because we are twins. Maybe the only reason she talks to me is because she can use me to come to the United States. I don’t know.

Thus ends my first blog